LAST TIME I CHECKED THE WRITTEN WORD WAS STILL ALIVE.

My grandmother e-mailed some relative of hers, who, by association, makes him a relative of mine, to ask about something-or-other in Raleigh. She gets very concerned that I'm down here alone, so she takes comfort in knowing this relative is, or was, also in Raleigh. She's sweet; he's not.

For your reading pleasure.

"Yikes, going to NCSU and majoring in English. That's a good start for a hobby, what about a career?"

Oh my God, journalism's a hobby! Wow. Hey, all you silly people writing articles all across the world, you can stop now. What you're actually doing isn't a job, despite those omniscient monthly funds you receive that seem to resemble and perform the functions of paychecks. Woodward and Bernstein? They were actually on their way to make some clay pots when they happened upon a small scandal within the Nixon administration, so they decided to jot some notes down. Go get a real job, you fools, and stop wasting time at those hobby stores you call the New York Times, Wall Street Journal and News & Observer. And to think, I was heading toward that lifestyle. OK, relative, what advice do you have for me to amend this macabre mistake? With your degree in engineering, you're obviously well in your realm of expertise to offer suggestions about journalism, just as NASA would be the first to call me about engine trouble.

"Does she read Mike Adams (www.dradams.org), Walter Williams or Thomas Sowell? That would help with journalistic ethics not likely to be taught in college."

Mike Adams is not likely to be taught in college because he doesn't preach ethics, just right-wing political drivel that deals not with journalism, but with insanity.

So what should I do with my life?

"If she is concerned about the environment and politics, I suggest she get a Chemical Engineering Degree so she can be one of the ones actually finding alternative energy sources and not talking about it. Besides, it pays very well and is in very high demand."

Wow. I had never thought of that! Getting a degree in... science. Because that's one of my best subjects. No, really. Chemistry? Well the last time I took it was in high school and I made a C. A B, really, but it was technically a C, I just did well on the EOG so my teacher upped my grade. No, I'm really good at math and science. I'll go ahead and change my major.

And about the money -- I'm going into journalism. I've already resigned myself to living in poverty the rest of my life, so money's not really going to be a big pull in career decisions.

I'm fighting the urge to reply. It would be just rude. And considering one of his good friends is Professor Sopher, who teaches communications, I don't think my enraged reply would alter his opinion or even make him think my career choice isn't a hobby. A hobby. Yeah, that's what I spend a million years doing at Technician. It's spare time I spend up at the office. Same as growing a garden, making a hemp bracelet for a friend or baking some cookies. It's all the same thing, right? A hobby.

kthx cousin 21 times removed.

P.S. Just to clarify, I'd be writing about alternative energy sources.

P.P.S. I do understand the difference between holing myself up in my room and writing the next Great American Novel and a securing a job in writing. It's a hobby until you do something with it, like get published. Oh, wait. I think that's what newspapers do -- publish their writers. And pays them, to boot!